You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

I'm 18 on Friday!

its interesting how i can love my general life so much right now, maybe more than i ever have, and still go to pieces over that one thing i dont have anymore.

The rule is: you write 16 things about you. Your hopes, dreams, goals etc. Then you tag 16 friends including the friend that tagged you.

1. I cry for everything. Movies, commericals, criticism, books. EVERYTHING.
2. This is honestly the happiest I've ever been right now in general but not in certain respects.
3. I feel incredibly old.
4. I think I'm more in love with fictional characters than real people.
5. Part of me resents my dad for loosing his job.
6. The rest of me just feels like I should be doing more to make him happy.
7. I miss my bestfriend.
8. I don't understand french. lol.
9. I'm tired all the time.
10. I'm ready to go to college but I'm scared.
11. I miss the comfort I used to have.
12. I really really really really want a stupid car.
13. I'm still so insecure.
14. I actually would change a couple of things that have happened in my life.
15. I think I've been overeating lately lol.
16. I hate reading. I actually managed to hate reading.

The Future Freaks Me Out_Motion City
The Way We Get By_Spoon
L.G. Faud_Motion City
Strike Me Down_Reindeer Section
Steps and Numbers_Appleseed Cast
Flathead_Fratellis
All The Young Dudes_Mott the Hoople
Body Snatchers _Radiohead
Sweet Talk_Dear and the Headlights
Australia_The Shins
I'm Ready_Jack's Mannequin


Anything pop-y.
Seniors '09.
I'm not ready :[

go back to school. I've felt so much happier in the last two days than I have since January.
Today wasn't so great though.
I started thinking about it again.


hfjdkf;ajgf;kajg make it work.

I wish I knew how to make myself happy.
You know, without someone else.
I should be perfectly capable of being happy on my own.
And I guess I am, I just dwell on everything I don't have.
It's just when I have nothing to do that I get really bummed.
Or at lunch. Lunch always seems to bring me down. It's the worst time of the day. We should just get rid ot it.

jigdifugiau MY BACK HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH.
we're going on like month three of back pain.
I am an old person.

But I guess I'm happy. Idk why I said all that crap before.
I'm just sorta lonely. Since I don't really like a lot of the people around me, and the ones I do I don't see that much or get sick of really fast.

But it's whateverrr. I don't want to sound all LJ Depressive. I'm really not.

I want Alex back, I want my boyfriend back, I want my sister back. Damn. This was suposed to be an amazing school year. wtfff happened?

Maybe I'm just being idealistic. But idk. I think that if given the chance I would really make all of my relationships that went sour better. I've gotten into this whole redemption stage. I truely want to make people happy. I'm sort of learning I'm really awful at that though. I keep coming up with all these great ideas that I would do if I still had a best friend (a girl best friend) or a boyfriend or if Sara wasn't miles and miles away and it's just like jgfkajg;agj why can't it be easy. It could be so easy but ppl are so difficult, all wanting something different. I want it to be summer. I'm putting all my hopes into everything just sort of going away when summer hits. That's kind of stupid but whatever I'll live with it.

So I guess it's been awhile.
It's offically not Chirstmas anymore. And you know what? After like noon chirstmas, not so fun. I drove around with Sara. I watched McCabe and Mrs. Miller with my Dad. I watched home movies with my mom. I read a loooooooot. But I got a pretty good haul this year. A nice new camera and a Lucky Brand purse amoung my gifts.

I've been really nostalgic since winter break started. I don't really miss the old people, just the feeling. Particulary, waking up at like ten after getting in at four with my stero playing the strokes or something. I just miss that entire pointless moment of every morning of the weekend and the summer two years ago. It makes me even miss my old room (which so deeply pales in comparison to my new one). Maybe I'm lonely? I'll be the first to admit my social life isn't exactly booming. I sort of like it that way though. I mean when I want to be around people I get so restless until I get a whole group of people around me, and then once they're there I can't stand them. EVERYONE has been pissing me off. I have nothing in common with my friends do I? If I miss anything I think it's just having someone physically there. I think that's what I really miss about being in a relationship. Just lying around and not necessarily saying anything.

I just had a really spectacular Friday.

So, I feel weirdly optimistic. I don't even know why. I don't really care. But everything is going to work out, I know it.

You know, I always talk about starting over, and getting out there and wanting people to know the real me. And yet, it's always the same way.

I don't even care.
I can't finish this.
I just want it to be easy and to be a blind to everything.
I want it to be the way it used to be.
But I really don't.
IDK!